It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a dead 19th century German composer who vehemently opposed vivisection!
Looking for a little Einstein for your little Einstein? Look no further than your local museum gift shop. Or wherever toys for smart, annoying kids are sold. If you search beyond the kaleidoscopes and do-it-yourself biosphere kits, you will find the Richard Wagner Action Figure, contemplatively reposed in his blister pack and clutching his tiny conductor’s baton. Not a big fan of Das Rheingold? Theorem solved. Choose from a wide variety of inventors, therapists and musicians such as the Ludwig Van Beethoven Action Figure with fold-up paper clavichord. Maybe the Sigmund Freud Action Figure with life-like cigar is more your cup of tea. At least I think it’s a cigar. The Carl Jung Action Figure is on backorder, so we’re still waiting on a second opinion.
Providing hours of fun between spelling bees, Suzuki method violin lessons and summer trips to astronomy camp, these diminutive do-gooders are out to redefine the action figure market. And they’re not kidding around. For one thing, the words Action Figure are stamped brazenly on the packaging as if to say, “My music may be known for its contrapuntal texture and rich chromaticism, but I could smack the friggin’ beard off your GI Joe doll so back off!”
This impudent spirit shines no brighter than it does in the pearl of the collection: the Nancy Pearl Librarian Action Figure with “amazing shushing action.” Flip the lever and her index finger snaps to her mouth, silencing everyone at the reference desk and warning those clowns in periodicals to put a lid on it before Mrs. Pearl brings the hurt. There is even the Deluxe Librarian Action Figure for consumers whose thirst for page-flipping intrigue went unslaked with the original action figure. I can’t really tell the difference between the two, but I’m assuming the deluxe model doles out some wicked steep overdue fines.
It’s not that I’m opposed to the prospect of turning these nimble-witted warriors into playthings, I’m just a little surprised that a toy company appears to be gearing its entire inventory toward homeschoolers and people who make their own clothes. But then again, what the heck do I know? All of my action figures got buried in the sandbox or had their legs blown off with firecrackers.
Even Major Matt Mason, the prize of my collection, met an untimely end when he “volunteered” to be taped onto an Estes model rocket and launched to the heavens. Unfortunately, the added weight of the good major turned the skyward trajectory into a garageward trajectory. Luckily no one was near the lawn mower at impact, and the potting soil in the wheelbarrow kept the shrapnel to a minimum. We never did find his head.
Unlike the action figures of my childhood, these new toys do more than help you wile away a lazy Saturday. They make you smarter. Just flip over the blister pack for exciting factoids. For instance, Benjamin Franklin invented swim fins, bifocals and the lightning rod. Wagner dabbled in vegetarianism. Beethoven threw food at his cleaning woman, usually oranges. These dynamos may not have heat vision or a laser cannon, but playing with them could raise your ACT scores faster than you can say Kung-Fu Grip.
Among the cadre of classical collectibles, one figure was noticeably absent: the Salieri action figure. Maybe he was just out of stock, or maybe the manufacturer didn't feel there was a market for a dark, brooding doll fashioned in the likeness of a man with questionable talent. After all, we already have the Sean Penn action figure. I have the deluxe model that comes with smoldering cigarette and adjustable shoulder chip.
If these five-inch figurines of Mozart, Oscar Wilde and others catch on, maybe there are some other historical heroes that will be molded in China, packaged in Kuala Lumpur and delivered to our children on Christmas morning. How about the Unsuccessful Vice-Presidential Candidates Action Figure Collection? What bright-eyed little Republican wouldn’t love to have a Henry Cabot Lodge Jr. action figure? And deep down in our heart of hearts, aren’t we all just really Federalists? Go ahead and celebrate with your very own Rufus King Action Figure. Not sure what he stood for politically? Go ask your Nancy Pearl Action Figure. She can look up all the answers you’ll ever need.
Looking for a little Einstein for your little Einstein? Look no further than your local museum gift shop. Or wherever toys for smart, annoying kids are sold. If you search beyond the kaleidoscopes and do-it-yourself biosphere kits, you will find the Richard Wagner Action Figure, contemplatively reposed in his blister pack and clutching his tiny conductor’s baton. Not a big fan of Das Rheingold? Theorem solved. Choose from a wide variety of inventors, therapists and musicians such as the Ludwig Van Beethoven Action Figure with fold-up paper clavichord. Maybe the Sigmund Freud Action Figure with life-like cigar is more your cup of tea. At least I think it’s a cigar. The Carl Jung Action Figure is on backorder, so we’re still waiting on a second opinion.
Providing hours of fun between spelling bees, Suzuki method violin lessons and summer trips to astronomy camp, these diminutive do-gooders are out to redefine the action figure market. And they’re not kidding around. For one thing, the words Action Figure are stamped brazenly on the packaging as if to say, “My music may be known for its contrapuntal texture and rich chromaticism, but I could smack the friggin’ beard off your GI Joe doll so back off!”
This impudent spirit shines no brighter than it does in the pearl of the collection: the Nancy Pearl Librarian Action Figure with “amazing shushing action.” Flip the lever and her index finger snaps to her mouth, silencing everyone at the reference desk and warning those clowns in periodicals to put a lid on it before Mrs. Pearl brings the hurt. There is even the Deluxe Librarian Action Figure for consumers whose thirst for page-flipping intrigue went unslaked with the original action figure. I can’t really tell the difference between the two, but I’m assuming the deluxe model doles out some wicked steep overdue fines.
It’s not that I’m opposed to the prospect of turning these nimble-witted warriors into playthings, I’m just a little surprised that a toy company appears to be gearing its entire inventory toward homeschoolers and people who make their own clothes. But then again, what the heck do I know? All of my action figures got buried in the sandbox or had their legs blown off with firecrackers.
Even Major Matt Mason, the prize of my collection, met an untimely end when he “volunteered” to be taped onto an Estes model rocket and launched to the heavens. Unfortunately, the added weight of the good major turned the skyward trajectory into a garageward trajectory. Luckily no one was near the lawn mower at impact, and the potting soil in the wheelbarrow kept the shrapnel to a minimum. We never did find his head.
Unlike the action figures of my childhood, these new toys do more than help you wile away a lazy Saturday. They make you smarter. Just flip over the blister pack for exciting factoids. For instance, Benjamin Franklin invented swim fins, bifocals and the lightning rod. Wagner dabbled in vegetarianism. Beethoven threw food at his cleaning woman, usually oranges. These dynamos may not have heat vision or a laser cannon, but playing with them could raise your ACT scores faster than you can say Kung-Fu Grip.
Among the cadre of classical collectibles, one figure was noticeably absent: the Salieri action figure. Maybe he was just out of stock, or maybe the manufacturer didn't feel there was a market for a dark, brooding doll fashioned in the likeness of a man with questionable talent. After all, we already have the Sean Penn action figure. I have the deluxe model that comes with smoldering cigarette and adjustable shoulder chip.
If these five-inch figurines of Mozart, Oscar Wilde and others catch on, maybe there are some other historical heroes that will be molded in China, packaged in Kuala Lumpur and delivered to our children on Christmas morning. How about the Unsuccessful Vice-Presidential Candidates Action Figure Collection? What bright-eyed little Republican wouldn’t love to have a Henry Cabot Lodge Jr. action figure? And deep down in our heart of hearts, aren’t we all just really Federalists? Go ahead and celebrate with your very own Rufus King Action Figure. Not sure what he stood for politically? Go ask your Nancy Pearl Action Figure. She can look up all the answers you’ll ever need.